Monthly Archives: November 2018

Finding My Way

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Mis-Categorizing Personal Evolution as Struggle

Everything I said yesterday is false! Lol. I’m not all over the place and I’m not struggling. I’m simply finding my way through. I’m walking the path into unknown territory. Yesterday, I realized how I often talk about my path as confusing or a struggle. But the reality is that everyday is a step on into unknown territory. I have mis-categorized personal evolution and internal growth or stretching, as struggle.

This is a period of great internal growth and stretching for me. Becoming Queen Mother (my word for the process of becoming a grandmother) has been filled with many demands to stretch. Demands to show up in my daughter’s life in a new way. In a way where I am present and available for love and guidance, while staying out of her business and allowing her to stretch and grow into womanhood and motherhood.

One powerful reminder that has supported me in stepping into this new role, is recognizing and acknowledging that me and my village have raised a powerful, strong, independent young woman who has the same intuition that I have relied on to guide me through my own life. She is learning to trust her intuition and is making grown woman decisions for herself and her child. That is no longer my responsibility. Wow! That’s no longer my responsibility. That is an amazing thought and that truth has been both sad and liberating for me.

Becoming Queen Mother is not only calling me to show up in a new way in the life of my family, but also in my own personal life. It has both freed up my time and demanded more from me. With Brittany focused on Gio, I have more hours to be alone, to contemplate life, to do me. This free time gives me space to remember my dreams, to ask myself “what do I REALLY want?” “ What REALLY makes me happy?” And now I have some time to explore those questions. To get down and dirty into the discovery of my inner desires. I have new-found excited anticipation about  uncovering the answers. I can feel that there are infinite possibilities available to and for me.

Becoming Queen Mother has also opened a door to my ancestors. A spiritual portal has been opened inside of me. I am being called to pick up the spiritual training of my ancestors and to take it forward in a way that only I can. Specifically, I hear/feel my great grandmother Anita Harris calling me forward. She was a voodoo priestess, who healed people through root work and was a real true feminist before that was even a thing.

I can remember many times asking my mom what she knew about voodoo and about Mama Anita. I would be enthralled in the stories of how Mama Anita worked the spirits. Those questions have been in me for as long as I can remember. But I’ve never received the answers I was looking for. My mom said that certain things couldn’t be discussed because voodoo was too powerful to play with. She cautioned me to stop seeking after it. She shut me down each time. But now, Mama Anita has got a hold of me. She is drawing me in, she’s guiding me to the teachings, to the books, to the teachers, and deeper into myself and what I know intuitively.

When the calls began to get louder in my heart and mind, I was afraid. I thought about all the New Orleans voodoo ghost stories I heard growing up. I was scared at night, thinking about which spirits would appear and whether they would try to harm me or scare the shit out of me. I was afraid to speak about Mama Anita, to think about her. Fearing that she might destroy me. But she has guided me to teachings that promise me that she is not against me, but for me. Through me, she can live on. Through me, her lineage can continue, so it makes no sense for her to want to destroy me.

She is my great grandmother. I am Gio’s grandmother. There is nothing that could ever cause me to want to destroy him. He came from me. He carries me in his blood. No matter how angry or disappointed I could ever be with him, destroying him would never be my response or desire. Loving him, lifting him out of whatever hell he found himself in, would be my only desire. And so it is with Mama Anita. Her desire is to lift me up, to take me to new heights, to teach me what she knew, to guide me deeper into my own power. To support me in transforming/evolving her teachings into something that can support her children today.

And so I step out and at the same time, deeper into myself, deeper into my intuition. Deeper into the priestess within.

And the journey promises to be well worth it.

Ashé, Amen, And So it is!